When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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