I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
