Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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