I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
