Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
