I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
