I think my vagina is haunted
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
