I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
