i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
