I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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