my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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