when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
