mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
