barbara walters just said penis...
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
