You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
