I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.