I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
