I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
