Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i think i have two assholes
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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