mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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