I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
