Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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