I need help removing her.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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