Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
