I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
