I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Even my vagina gasped.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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