I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
