The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
