You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
