i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
