I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
