I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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