Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I puked a lego.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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