btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
