Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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