After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
