I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
