My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
