I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize