: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
