I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
