Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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