When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
