Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
