Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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