I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
