He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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