I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
