you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
