Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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