Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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