Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I think i got beer on your cat.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
