Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
