Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
